This is my first post, and all I can say is I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m not just referring to this whole blogging thing, but about my own life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for everything I have and I know there are people way less fortunate, but do you ever get the feeling that you’re not sure why you’re here?
You get up everyday, do what you’re supposed to do, go to work, come home, cook dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry, go to bed, and do it all over again with a feeling of indifference to it all? What’s the point?
I sound like I’m having an existential crisis, don’t I? Maybe I am…
But to provide a little background about myself: I’m a second generation Asian-American. I grew up, in a way, in two worlds. One world of trying to stay in touch with my heritage and roots, and one where I’m trying to fit in as an American, but always being reminded that I am a minority. To this day, I still have issues with my identity.
I am still trying to figure out who I am as a person, as myself – not as an Asian, not as a minority, not as somebody trying to get her parents’ approval.
And of course, it doesn’t help that I’m super sensitive, and very easily influenced. Feeling this way and growing up with my parents was difficult, to say the least. I needed acknowledgment and validation. I grew up to be extremely uncertain about yourself. It’s like, shut up brain! And shut up feelings! I hate that I can’t let things just roll off my back; I’m just not wired that way. I was taught to obey and not to question. I was taught to be quiet.
And then I go to public school, and I’m deemed too quiet, and lacking in critical thinking skills. My self-esteem just constantly kept at bay and never allowed to grow. And this continues on into high school.
Hmm.. it’s a wonder why I keep to myself and think so much, and have mental health issues. Where’s that glass of wine?!
So that’s how I grew up, always trying to fit into two worlds. Still trying, still sinking.
So I grab my wine and I think. A lot. And I read a lot of self help books. Ha. How do I learn to love myself? How do I become a better person? How do I become successful? Etc., etc., etc.
I usually keep my thoughts to myself, but why? So here my brain vomits all thoughts and feelings, hopefully in a somewhat comical, amusing way. But, also cathartic.
My head is like a crowded, cluttered drawer. Everything is stuck in there, but there’s no rhyme or reason. It takes a lot of organizing to make sense of things.
And I figured, why not have a little fun with it and get creative? =)